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prince by birth, beggar by trade

"against you, you only, have i sinned and done what is evil in your sight." 

whatever Dave. you knocked up a married girl and had her husband killed. there were more involved than just God.

or were there? I guess, technically speaking, as fallible human beings ourselves, what actual right do we have to judge others for thier fallacies? maybe there is only one Lawgiver and one Judge after all.

i'll never forget a time many years ago, as a young boy, when Emily was struggling with anorexia. as we were going through the gift store, i saw the perfect present for her to show her how much we cared- a mug with a cuddly picture of a bear on it and the words "we love you beary beary much." i was very excited to give it to her. i don't often pick things out for people, so when i do, my whole heart goes into it. we went to her room, and i was nearly bursting my breeches to see her reaction. needless to say, it wasn't what i was hoping for. she said she hated it and didn't want it. it was as though it wasn't the actual mug that she hated, but it was the love behind the mug that she was rejecting.  i cried long and hard that day. maybe i would never give a gift again. at that time, she was resentful of my parents for putting her in the Toronto Children's hospital, and she thought that they had picked out the mug for her.

it wasn't long before she was back to her loving self and has been a supportive part of our family ever since, but for a brief moment in time i caught a glimpse of what it was like to be our Father God. he had crafted his most beautiful creation, humanity, and had placed them in a paradise custom-tailored for their happiness. he loved them more than anything he had ever created, and desired to give them the a more extreme, powerful gift than anyone had ever received - the gift of freedom. "if you love something, set it free," the saying goes,and he did just that. this freedom was the ultimate expression of his love. unlike everything else he had created, these people could either come to him, the Father of Lights and giver of every good and perfect gift, or they could turn away from him, to nothingness. they chose not-him. they threw his gift in his face, and decided on death instead of life, rejecting his love - rejecting him.

every time we sin, we may not consciously recognize it, but it is the action of stabbing ourselves in the heart - not because we don't want life, not because we enjoy our own pain, but just to see our Father's reaction as we die in his arms. sin causes us pain... it destroys ys. no one naturally desires to destroy themselves. the only motive is power - power to choose not-God, in the desire to be a god ourselves. deep down, we know it's an impossibility, but in the very fact that we know that God is God and we will never be, there rises up a hatred of his goodness - a goodness that we will never attain to,and a love we will never fulfill. we are prostitutes, running away from our faithful husband for the very reason that we resent his perfect love in the face of our imperfection. there is nothing we enjoy about others' beds. we despise ourselves when we are there. but that's the only way to have autonomy. that's the only way to preserve our pride. that's the only way to avoid accepting grace - the charity we breathe to live.
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