tomorrow’s pain, today’s hope

have you ever bit too much off of life? gone beyond you, grasping at divine complexity? clouds surround the sun, cutting off its light. in the rain and the hail, icy darkness turns every direction down. stepping too far into oneself is a dangerous thing. our frailty was never made to control eternity, only to live it. cobwebs of life past and future cloud reality until present fades in upside-down oblivion.

what does the future hold? i know. it holds the explosion of past mistakes and tragic failures. i must change this. i must change my future before it catches up with my past. but myself is something i cannot change. i am always me. i will never not be. this moment is doomed because it cannot predict the past or redeem the future. both are lost. how could i ever dream to accomplish what i once dared to hope? there is too much for me in this time i’ve been given. how could i my shoulds? incapable. inept.

strained eyes peering into the darkness of tomorrow turn blind. i can no longer see past this. confined here, a bizarre sight i see. there is something between i and then… someone i’ve been looking beyond. gone is the desire to embrace the dark. this light has captured my sight, and i cannot tear my eyes away from him. the future is now, and now is safely hidden in him, my life and my light. past redeemed, future sealed, present lived.

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Bye-bye Bible

Perhaps we should all be Jedi Knights. Their principle of non-attachment, which is strikingly like the Buddha's attempt to rid himself of earthly desires, is very appealing. "We will have to find out the cause of sorrow and the way to escape from it. The desire for sensual enjoyment and clinging to earthly life is the cause of sorrow. If we can eradicate desire, all sorrows and pains will come to an end." This makes a lot of sense. Actually, it makes perfect sense. He is right. It can be scary admitting Buddha is right, because what if he's right about everything? Well, even in this case, perhaps he is only right insofar as what he says is true. Does that mean his route is the best path to take on the proverbial road to enlightenment? Right now it might appear that way. You see, I realized recently that I became very attached to something I owned. It's my Bible. Or, was my Bible. (Give me a moment to regain my composure...) I had my NIV study Bible for at least ...

smelly things

remember those scratch-and-sniff things? of course they still exist, but i haven't smelled one in a while. now all we have are those horrid cardboard car scents: those leaves of aesthetic tragedy. the one i'm thinking of has a strawberry scent. it might have been strawberry shortcake - that little red-headed girl with strawberries painted all over her ginormous hat, a hat ten times the size of her head. this reminds me of those markers you can buy that smell, too, often like berries of some sort. i can remember the blueberry ones the best. which scents do you remember? when Jodi and i (and sometimes Justin, Dan, Kaia or some other participant) would take empty milk jugs and stealthily place them on Mark Vust's doorstep (our Resident Director), i would sometimes smell the rotting milk. it didn't smell good. i'll give you that. but it was certainly a powerful scent. smelling things reminds me of how much i love life. like when i'm in a forest ...

random anxieties of existence

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